Hopelessness. The Depths of despair. Deeper than you have witnessed for a long, long time.
Is this why stillness practice… Being with myself feels so hard.
Easier to drag myself, distract myself. Twitter away about things that are not the things. To a degree of identification that makes no sense.
Avoiding. Looking anywhere but inside of my mind. To see the judgments, the emotions, Rolling over and over.
Reaffirmed hopelessness. Over and over. Stories upon stories. Collating evidence to justify the emotion.
Why does it need to be justified, my child? Why does the emotion need to be justified?
If you witness it, I hate it. Why loathe it with such a passion that it takes your strength simply to push it down? To push it away.
You’re fighting against them. then shame.
Hopelessness with a side of shame. Shame that you’ve witnessed it. Fear beneath the shame. Fear that this emotion is your very being.
Can you see now, child? What is happening? It’s grief.
Or maybe it’s just chemicals.
I don’t want this part of life. I don’t want to feel these things.
I don’t want to see the emotions and the thoughts that feed them. the evidence that I’m using to make the emotion a living thing. My being. My very nature. My life and existence. overwhelm.
It’s overwhelm.
Again, that friend of grief. partnership,
What happens if you make friends?
What happens if you make space?
What happens if you make peace?
I rest. I lie down. I stopped running.
Stop fighting. Stop judging.
Be with the day. Be with the moment. present.
Letting go of fear. Present to life. Life is suffering.
It is the nature of life, in parts. Like, light only exists within darkness. Sometimes you’re the light, and sometimes you’re the darkness holding the light.
Softly, sweetly, slowly. Restful. Peaceful. Resting.
Just lie down.
– Kaya
